TODAY I HAD THE THOUGHT IN 4TH PERIOD, I COULD JUST STAND UP AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM, I COULD WALK OUT OF THE CLASSROOM WITH NOTHING IN MY HANDS, I COULD LEAVE AND WALK AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK. AND WHEN THE THOUGHT LOST ITS POWER BUT LINGERED LIKE THE FAINT AROMA OF OLD PERFUME, I WONDERED WHY THE HELL I DIDN’T BOTHER TO DO IT. I FELT LIKE A WILTED FLOWER IN A BOUQUET OF FOUR-LEAFED CLOVERS, I FELT SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT AND AT THE SAME TIME TOO BIG TO FIT INTO THE ROOM, I FELT LIKE I WAS DARK MATTER BREAKING INTO A MILLION ATOMS ONLY TO BE MAGNETICALLY DRAWN TO MY CORE AGAIN. I FELT LIKE I HAD LOST EVERYTHING AND THAT NOTHING WOULD BE OKAY AGAIN, I FELT LIKE I COULD DIE IN THE MOMENT WITH NO FEAR AND NO REGRET. I FELT THE COLD BRUSH OF DEATH AS HE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK, I FELT THE SHIVER UP MY SPINE AS MY HEART WAS FROZEN INTO ICE. I WONDERED TO MYSELF WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS STOPPING ME FROM BURSTING INTO FLAME, I FELT SO VULNERABLE AND YET INVINCIBLE AT THE SAME TIME IN THE WORST AND BEST WAYS POSSIBLE.
Today I realized that I was not alone in my suffering. After school, the wind played with my hair as it spun my cotton-candy locks into a spool of glimmering sugar. The gentle hands of the wind caressed my face, and the Sun touched my weary heart, telling me that everything would one day pass and that I would not remember this small paper-cut within my entire life, that it would heal quickly with no scars. I had to be reminded by the laughter of twelve-year-olds that happiness was in the eyes of the beholder. I had to open my eyes again and see the world for what it was, I had to wake up on the other side of the bed in the middle of the day. The painful tears on my cheeks told me that love was made to be lost, and that what kills me is what makes me my own martyr in times of trouble. I had to listen to the lyrics of the song of the trees, and they told me that nothing is ever impossible and that dreams were made to be dreamt, and that I was indeed beautiful and worth something. They told me the words that i needed to hear to keep me from bleeding out on the kitchen floor, they gave me the reassurance I needed that you didn’t give me. I realized that the words of theology were indeed true, that “this, too- shall pass.”
Today, my heart broke into a million pieces as I felt unimportant to you. I hated myself today. I wondered why I was looking for your price of me, I wondered why I needed your ratification. I felt weak. And I hated it. I hated my feelings for you, as they kept me chained. And I needed to take a break for a while, I told myself that you meant nothing to me. But when I sat and read your messages to me, I couldn’t help but smile. And in that moment, as I smiled, I wanted to cry. I was a slave to my emotions. I could not see the color of the sky or feel the breeze as long as you existed on this earth, yet I knew that if you disappeared I would no longer desire to hear the music of the galaxy. I wondered to myself, if I could ever detach myself from you. And the thing was, I knew I could do it, but I had no desire to. And I was ashamed. I feel trapped. I wish that my tears would flow but they refuse to show up. I know they just want to sabotage me. I’ll begin crying at the worst time, I’ll be reminded of all of the burdens I hold, and I know that I won’t be able to put them down unless I put you down as well.