The dust hasn’t quite settled after the storm
But still I breathe it in like
The cigarette smoke that billows on every corner of
Every Los Angeles street.
I shiver not because of the cold in the air
But the one in my heart. I
Remember that with every thought I
Spiraled down further into self-hate.
I’d come so far to learn to love myself
Only to lose it after I met you.
I guess I never knew what I was getting myself into
And yet at the same time, I knew exactly how the cards would fold.
I guess this now becomes a journey of
Finding little things to love that aren’t you.
Like the way the sun lights on fire over the hills across from my home,
The way that birds alight on telephone wires
Only to flurry away at the honk of sedans on the highway,
The way that music was meant to be shared
And the way that my friends call me “queen”.
In these small things I will find reasons to love me,
Reasons that you’ll miss sorely
After a bout of self-reflections.
Regret only settles in
In pockets of understanding
Like the carbonation in your sodas
That you drink alone.
You’ll realize late enough that
Maybe the way things turned out
Was because I loved a boy
Who never loved himself.
Could I ever be the right one for you
When you never knew what you wanted?
How could my love be enough
When you never had the fundamental love
But times moves on
And so will I.
You’ll move on too,
Move on from fear
To loving yourself.